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Uncle Orson Reviews Everything
June 12, 2014
First appeared in print in The Rhino Times, Greensboro, NC.
Shavers and QI
There are so many blockbuster (and would-be blockbuster) movies this
summer, but the only one I've seen is Godzilla -- which was enjoyable, but
didn't offer me much to write about.
Or, rather, I could have written pages and pages, because I can write pages
and pages about anything -- but thinking about the movie made it hard for
me to stay awake.
And when I think about going to see the X-Men movie or anything else based on
a comic book, I find that I'm much more interested in playing pinochle on
my smartphone.
Maybe I'll see some more movies this summer. Maybe I'll write about them.
But when I claim that "Uncle Orson Reviews Everything," what I mean is that I
have no limits on my subject matter, not that I actually intend to review
everything.
I don't feel any obligation to see every movie and write about it, any more than
I feel a need to watch every TV show or read every book or eat every type of
chocolate.
No, come to think of it, I'm doing pretty well in the chocolate category.
But when you consider that I'm not paid to review movies, and even if I were, it
would still take me the same two hours to watch a movie as it takes anyone
else, and I only have a finite number of primetime two-hour blocks left in my
life, I readily forgive myself for not going to the trouble to watch movies that
seem to be functionally identical to lots of other movies that bored me already.
Some of them might be very good. Judging from ticket sales, some of them
might even be life-changing experiences.
Yet when I celebrate my insomnia by channel-flipping, I sometimes run across
movies that I avoided in theaters, but which turn out to be quite well-made and
entertaining on the TV in our family room.
For instance, I found that I really liked Mel Gibson's 1999 revenge bloodfest
Payback. I don't remember even seeing it promoted when it first came out.
But it has a delightful cast of bad guys, who die interestingly, and among
whom is Lucy Liu, in her pre-stardom (i.e., pre-Ally McBeal) days. When she
was still billed as Lucy Alexis Liu.
Maybe one reason I liked this movie was because one of our cleverest writers,
Donald E. Westlake, wrote the novel (The Hunter) that it was based on, and
the director and co-writer, Brian Helgeland, was also responsible for L.A.
Confidential, A Knight's Tale, and the screen adaptations of Blood Work, Mystic
River, and Cirque du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant.
In other words, some really talented people were involved.
Plus, as with all other Mel Gibson movies, we get to watch Gibson's
character get tortured in gruesome ways, which he bears with stoic agony.
That was the movie I enjoyed most last week.
*
My dad gave me my first electric razor on my sixteenth birthday. It was a
gift prompted more by hope than need. I used it for the second time on my
seventeenth birthday.
When, at age twenty, I began my missionary service in Brazil, I had shaved
maybe a dozen times. Shaving took about two seconds, once the shaver was
running. Since my chin hairs were so sparse I could have named them, I
targeted each one and when they were gone, I was done.
In Brazil, I started using safety razors. I didn't bother with shaving cream.
With nine barely-visible whiskers, I didn't need it. Snicker-snack, and the
hairs were gone.
For me, shaving had individual targets. I shaved man-to-man, not zone.
(Please note that I actually used a reference from basketball defense strategies.)
But then, after I got home from Brazil, something like whiskers began to
appear on my face. My upper lip had some promising growth. When I skipped
shaving it for weeks at a time, people began to notice.
They would brush at their own lips while giving me significant looks -- the
same gestures you make to let someone know they have food clinging to their
face.
If my brothers had not been similarly slow to sprout facial hair, I might have
thought there was something wrong. But eventually I was able to grow a
"mustache" that other people charitably pretended to see.
And the dry safety razor no longer did the trick. It was time to get serious
about shaving every single day. And the razor my dad had given me just
wasn't doing the job anymore.
That's when I believed the TV commercials enough to give Norelco's three-headed shaver design a try.
Not the commercial where Victor Kiam said, "I liked the shaver so much, I
bought the company." That was Remington, which is the shaver I was
switching away from.
I was immediately a fan of Norelco, and I haven't switched brands since.
However, even a well-made shaver has a finite lifespan. That original wired-to-the-wall model gave way to a wireless model with nickel-cadmium batteries.
You remember ni-cad batteries, don't you? If you didn't run them all the way
out, gradually they lost capacity. Worse yet, as the power inched toward zero,
the blades slowed down. Shaving became spotty, then snaggy. I learned that
you can cut yourself shaving with a slowed-down electric razor.
Eventually, I sent the shaver to a shop that replaced the batteries and the
shaving heads, and got another ten years out of that razor. Meanwhile, I
bought a second, identical one to use while the original was in the shop. I kept
it for travel.
But about a year ago it was plain that both shavers were living on borrowed
time. Since then I had bought and used a couple of other Norelco models while
staying for extended periods in another city, and I learned that there's a
definite hierarchy in Norelco models.
I know this will surprise you, but higher quality costs more.
And the Norelco models on display at Target or Wal-Mart are usually not the
top of the line.
Some of the "top" features were not interesting to me. I had no interest in
shaving in the shower, for example, or with shaving cream or soap. When you
have a beard -- even a sad little goatee like mine -- you don't want to shave the
rest of your face without being able to see what you're doing. There's too
much danger of plunging into the beard.
And I didn't want a razor that automatically washed itself. My beard growth is
not so thick that my shaver clogs up. Opening the top and tapping out the
whiskers was all I ever needed to do.
So a month ago, as I made the decision to retire those old shavers with their
again-fading ni-cad batteries, I never considered any shaver but a three-headed
Philips Norelco. But which model?
It's not as if I could go to Target and ask a salesperson's advice. Besides, I had
already used bottom-of-the-line models and wasn't interested. At 62 years of
age, and given the long life of my previous shaver, I expected this to be the last
electric shaver I'd ever buy. I might as well spend the money to get the best.
So I went to the best online department store, Amazon, and started comparing
prices and features. But there just wasn't enough information in the product
descriptions to make a rational decision. After all, the manufacturer had no
interest in telling me what was wrong with any of the models, and there was
zero chance that Amazon did any kind of product testing.
Instead, Amazon has product reviews by users. I expected these to be at the
same level as the user-written comments and reviews about books --
generally shallow, and revealing more about the commenter than the product.
But no. The main commenters on Norelco shavers on Amazon were seriously
committed to both shaving and reporting on the experience.
There were, of course, the normal smattering of "I hated it," "Stopped working
the third day," "battery didn't even last a month" -- the comments that make it
seem they got a lemon or they had unreasonable expectations.
Overwhelming the complaints, however, were a number of serious, thoughtful,
evidence-based, almost scientific reports.
There are guys who really, really think about shaving. More to the point, they
also -- altruistically -- believe it's worth the time and effort to write one or two
thousand words about every aspect of shaving with a particular shaver, and
comparing it to other shavers.
I wish my college students could all write papers as closely reasoned and as
evidence-based as some of the best of those reviews!
Of course, these reviewers, in all likelihood, went through school back when I
did -- you know, in the days when they taught grammar and sentence
structure, and when logic, both inductive and deductive, was regarded as
the single most important evidence of intelligence.
In other words, before the empty-headed but easily-graded five-paragraph
"essay."
It took me a long time to read all those comments -- but they were so well-written and so informative that I was interested the entire time.
I recognized right away that my own very light facial growth was not going to
require what some of the twice-a-day shavers needed.
But that was fine, because there were commenters who had my kind of
problem -- for instance, the stray hair that declines to be cut. So when a
couple of commenters said that a particular model took out far more stray
hairs than the others, I sat up and paid attention.
After taking what amounted to a graduate seminar in Norelco shavers, I ended
up buying the 1290X/46 Sensotouch 3D Electric Razor (series 8000).
Now, I'm not quite sure in what sense one razor is "3D" while other models are
"2D." I took it to mean that the 3D shavers did a better job of following the
contours of one's skin, which, being flexible, is never quite flat.
The 1290/46 has a very different look and feel from older Norelco shavers. The
whole head assembly stands up from the body of the shaver on a short post, so
you have to hold it differently from shavers with the traditional Norelco shape.
And when it's time to open the top and clean the heads, instead of coming open
as a single unit, the three heads open separately, from the middle, with hinges
on the outside. So when it's open, it looks like the landing modules that
very small aliens would pilot as they invade the roaches and crickets of
Earth.
I did not get the self-washing model, because the Amazon reviews made it clear
that it didn't actually save time. The model I got is, however, completely user-washable. You just open those heads and, following the directions given by a
couple of commenters, you pass them under the faucet, first letting the water
flow through the head from the outer surface, and then from the inner side.
Sure, it's not so much "washing" as "rinsing," but it leaves me with the cleanest
shaver I've ever owned.
Of course, in our somewhat humid climate, allowing it to "air dry" means that
it sits open all day. But drying is not all that vital -- because the razor can still
be used, just as effectively, with moisture clinging to it.
It's the closest, most comfortable, least irritating, and most efficient
shave I've ever had. And the batteries -- which you only use down to about
one-third -- show no sign of slackening their power through a charging cycle.
The sound and the cutting efficiency are nearly the same, from right after a
charge till it's time to charge again.
I would like to have a phone as well-designed and well-made as this. My phone
goes through pouty moods when it simply goes blank, repeatedly, so that I
can't restore the screen long enough to finish whatever task I was doing. I
would not tolerate that in a shaver -- or, for that matter, in a chain saw, a
television, a car, or any other appliance.
Time to get a new phone? Not likely. Because smart phones are actually
computers, which means they do what they want, and the manufacturer will
tell you that anything that goes wrong with it is your fault. It isn't, but I
don't believe that my replacement phone would necessarily be any better.
Shavers have to meet a higher standard of reliability.
After nearly twenty years I had gotten used to having a separate travel shaver,
and with both my old shavers dying the same death, I also bought a second
Norelco shaver to replace the travel model.
The reviews had warned that the 1290X/46 has to be charged with its charging
base, not with a direct cord to the wall, which makes it so the whole assembly
takes up a lot more room in luggage. Therefore, I bought a lesser model to be
my travel shaver: The Norelco AT830 Powertouch with Aquatec.
You can attach this one to the wall and use it on house power. It can also
be opened up and rinsed -- though the three heads open as a single unit, in
the traditional way. In fact, the AT830 might as well be my old reliable shaver,
because it looks and hefts exactly the same.
However, you get what you pay for. It shaves better than my old one -- but not
as smoothly or efficiently as the 1290X/46. The difference, on a beard as light
as mine, is trivial; it might make a real difference if you have a twice-a-day
growth.
I recommend both models highly; you simply have to decide what your own
beard growth requires, and what your budget has room for. And you have to
keep in mind that I'm already committed to Norelco's three-head design -- I
didn't even consider other designs or other manufacturers.
I also have to give high marks to the thoughtful, careful reviewers who made
buying a Norelco from Amazon an enjoyable, well-informed process. When
I made my buying decision, I knew what I was going to get -- and the long,
thoughtful reviews were borne out completely.
My favorite review, though, was a brief one -- from a woman. She reported
that she shaves her legs with her husband's Norelco. "He doesn't mind," she
said, and because the shaver could be used in the shower it worked perfectly
for her, too.
With two people using it, the heads will wear out sooner ... and those heads
are not cheap to replace. But I have to say that I was impressed that the
same razor would work on leg stubble without defeating its effectiveness on
facial hair.
I was also impressed that there exists a man who really doesn't mind
having somebody else use his shaver.
*
"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."
That quotation from Ashleigh Brilliant was Quote of the Day on QI.com -- the
website linked to the BBC comedy game show QI.
QI -- which stands for "Quite Interesting" -- is a British trivia game show
in which comedians of varying levels of cleverness compete to answer absurdly
obscure questions. The pleasure of the show comes from the conversations
that ensue, and not just because most of the contestants have British accents
(which, to Americans, generally seem smarter than American accents).
The conversations sometimes become a bit crude; in fact, that seems to be, in
Britain as in America, the sure place where comedians go when they hope to
get a laugh. But ... they go there because it works, and the show is quite
funny.
How do I know it's funny? Certainly not because I watched it on BBC America
-- QI is not aired in the USA, purportedly because they would have to pay extra
for the right to use the photos that they put on the air in association with the
questions.
To which I suggest that they send someone over to pass the hat in a New York
subway car for a day or two to cover the extra costs. Or -- here's a thought --
they could go online and get their photos from several websites that sell the
nonexclusive world rights to every kind of photo or clip for insanely low prices.
In short, I think the Brits don't air QI here in the States because they think
we're not worthy. And they're probably right.
I only know about the show because, after I commented on the comedy game
show @midnight, a friend wrote to one-up me by telling me that QI is much
funnier. And he knew about it because segments can be watched on BBC
Worldwide via YouTube.
For instance, here's the discussion that ensues following the question, "What
rhymes with 'purple'?" There really are two legitimate words, which I now
plan to use as much as possible.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-dLuu-ErnI
Then, when dealing with various cures suggested by ancient Roman advice
columnist Pliny the Elder, the conversation turned to the spontaneously
generated myth that if you can lick your own elbow, you will never die.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkwLei1ACgA<
The same Pliny-centered show led to the interesting fact that the bees now
living in Britain are not homegrown, but are rather immigrants invited into the
country on work permits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3BveeeFXPw
I have to love a show in which a segment can be launched by a quote from
Talleyrand: "I am more afraid of an army of a hundred sheep led by a lion than
an army of a hundred lions led by a sheep."
This led to the question of why there are no Alsatians in the Spanish army.
Now, because I'm not a Brit, I assume "Alsatian" means "person from Alsace."
And there would be no Alsatians in the Spanish army because Alsace is in
France -- on the side nearest to Germany, which is why Germans kept taking
it away from France whenever they could, and the Spanish almost never did.
But no. In Britain, "Alsatian" apparently has nothing to do with people from
Alsace. Instead, it's their name for the dog we call "German shepherd."
Apparently, after a couple of wars that slaughtered hundreds of thousands of
Brits, they didn't wish to use the name of "German" for a noble breed of
animal.
As to why there are none of that breed of dog in the Spanish army, here's the
clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEuS1Ah84YY
I don't believe the "fact" for a moment, of course -- but it is a funny bit.
And just for the fun of it, here's a "final round" in which everyone comes up
with wrong, but commonly believed, answers -- which is exactly what they're
expected to do:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbpikTuoLB0
After watching that clip, you will perhaps wish to know who really did invent
the practical, piloted helicopter rather than a children's toy. The first working
piloted helicopter appeared in France.
As with many things, the word came before the thing -- a French writer coined
the term from "helico" (spiral) and "pter" (wing) back in the 1800s.
And, by the way, when the Greeks began words with "pt" as in "pterodactyl,"
they pronounced both the p and the t. English doesn't do that, so we think it's
somehow hard or unnatural to pronounce that sound combination. But in fact
it's quite easy. Just like the "ps" sound at the beginning of "psychology."
I suggest you annoy your soon-to-be-former friends and family by always
pronouncing the p in "psalm," "psoriasis," and "pseudo-". See how long it
takes for them to suggest you visit a psychotherapist.
In the meantime, you can go on YouTube and watch many more snippets of
QI in order to find much more interesting and entertaining trivia than you'll
ever get from conversing with me or reading my column.
Or you can get a copy of a book called QI: The Book of General Ignorance,
or its later edition, which proclaims itself to be "Noticeably Stouter." There are,
here and there, amusing quotations from the show QI -- but mostly the book
consists of interesting trivia.
I wish I could tell you that you could buy DVDs of the game show. In fact you
can -- except that they won't play on US or Canadian DVD players. Thus Brits
and Australians can watch the DVDs (regions 2 and 4) but we of region 1
cannot. There are petitions ...
Still, at qi.com/shop/ there are plenty of books tied to the show. I think they
probably make money with these books because people who enjoy QI are, like
Jeopardy viewers, likely to spend some of their disposable time reading.
At qi.com/shop/ you will see that there are many titles, all listed under the
slogan "laugh yourself clever." Since Brits use the word "clever" to mean
what we mean when we say "smart," this is, of course, a lie.
If one could laugh oneself smart, watching The Daily Show wouldn't make you
more ignorant -- which it has done to a sizable portion of America's young
voters, training them to know only one side of every question and feel quite
sure this makes them wiser than those who question the dogmas. Or simply
know how to read.
Let's face it, most trivia is, in fact, trivial. For most of us, the working
definition of "trivial" is "stuff I don't enjoy learning." For me, this includes
any kind of statistics about sports. For others, it includes all of human
history.
There are several ways to become good at trivia games and conversations. One
is by spending your life reading good books in every subject area. Another is
by keeping up with People magazine.
Both will lead you to know interesting facts that other people didn't know; but
People facts will make you a "good conversationalist," while facts acquired
by reading history and science and philosophy will make you a "bore."
Unless you can get yourself on a British comedy trivia program. And even
then, an American accent will make you sound bossy and dull, so it won't
much matter what you say. No one will listen.
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