Salt, Covert Affairs, denture baths - Uncle Orson Reviews Everything

Sometimes it seems that all reporters really want to be covering sports. Why should the opening of Salt be treated as a horse race with Inception? They're both excellent movies, but of such a different kind that comparing them is of interest only to people who bet money on which movie will make the most money each weekend.

Where Inception is smart science fiction with a heart, Salt is a passionate cold-war thriller with a brain. In fact, it feels as if, back in 1989, when writer Kurt Wimmer was struggling to break into screenwriting, he composed a screenplay for a terrific thriller about a Soviet KGB mole inside the CIA -- and then the USSR collapsed and the script was pretty much useless.

Maybe it became his calling card: look, I wrote this screenplay that of course can never be filmed now, but isn't it great? Give me a job.

And then the years passed, Wimmer wrote the scripts for hits like The Thomas Crown Affair (1999) and The Recruit (2003), and meanwhile the world changed again. Putin became the boss of Russia, and the old cold war polarities came back into play. Wimmer brought out his old screenplay, revised it to reflect the modern realities, and now he was able to get it made.

He even kept the original title, Salt, though when he first wrote it, when people heard the word they thought of salt II: the second round of the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks.

Philip Noyce (Dead Calm, Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, The Bone Collector, The Quiet american) signed on to direct, and a once-dead screenplay was alive again!

Of course, this is pure fantasy on my part. For all I know, Wimmer thought it up in 2009. And his rewrite may have been far more extensive, because this is not the screenplay of a youthful idiot fresh out of film school. It shows none of the screenwriting class cliches that wreck movie after movie because cliches are intelligible to terrified studio executives, while actual storytelling is beyond them.

Here's the artistic surprise: Unlike most cold war movies, Salt is smart. At times it seemed to be veering off into dumb cliches -- when they first mention "seizing control of the U.S. nuclear arsenal" it just made me tired. But then, as the story unfolds, it turns out that the plot has a wacko believability that, within the fantasy of the movie, completely works.

I can't tell you much about the plot, because there is no such thing as a no-spoiler synopsis. Let's just say that you are kept guessing about motives and allegiances. But not knowing motives is the strength of movies (whereas in novels, the strength is knowing motives!), because we don't expect to be inside the characters' heads.

And just because I guessed several major plot twists almost immediately doesn't mean that it isn't absolutely wonderful fun watching things unfold. After all, dramatic irony (where the audience knows more than most of the characters) is every bit as fun as suspense (where the audience knows less).

Besides, I also made guesses that turned out to be flamboyantly wrong, and even where I guessed right, it was because I wanted things to work out as, in fact, they did.

Angelina Jolie is absolutely brilliant in the title role (Evelyn Salt); it's an acting tour de force because she has to show us emotions that other characters are not supposed to be able to detect. And the Wimmer's script never, never makes characters explain themselves more than they really would; besides, most of them are lying most of the time anyway, and yet we are guided to see the truth anyway.

The story takes place in a fantasy near future. In 2011, Obama will still be president; yet the movie boldly declares that to be the year, and the president is your standard white guy. There is no self-righteous political posing -- we have no idea whether the President is a Democrat or a Republican, and nobody ever, not even for a second, makes any kind of politically correct speech. Nor are any of the villains shown to be Fox-News-watching conservatives. Isn't that refreshing?

You don't want to miss this movie. You don't want to wait to rent it later. Go see it now. You'll have a great time in a sort of Bourne Identity way.

Back in 1986, I had no interest in seeing Heartbreak Ridge, a Clint Eastwood film about a gunnery sergeant leading a platoon of hapless Marines into combat on ... Grenada.

Everybody's heart was in the right place -- after losing in Vietnam and fighting to a draw in Korea, American soldiers needed a victory. But ... to set up the tiny operation on Grenada, important as it was (captured documents and other evidence proved that the Nicaraguan Communists were under Cuba's and Russia's control, as was the Grenadan Communist dictatorship) as being somehow parallel to the massive struggles in Korea and Vietnam is a little misproportioned.

But recently I watched a Clint Eastwood retrospective and they had so much praise for the Oscar-nominated Heartbreak Ridge that when it popped up on a cable channel I braved the tedious commercial interruptions and airline-movie-style overdubbing and watched the whole thing.

In a way, it was the perfect movie to see right before Salt, partly because it really was made during the Cold War, but mostly because almost everything that isn't wrong with Salt was dreadfully wrong with Heartbreak Ridge.

Oh, the performances were very good (except for Mario Van Peebles annoyingly cute ne'er-do-well soldier and Tom Villard's simply sad portrayal of the likable dumb guy who dies).

But not for a moment did I believe that such a platoon could possibly exist in the real world Marine Corps at any time in its history. And while there is nasty careerism in the military at all times, it is never so naked as portrayed in the characters Major Powers and Staff Sgt. Webster. Plus there was way too much of the bad-guys-can't-hit-anybody, good-guys-can't-miss baloney that makes movies so silly.

The side story of Clint Eastwood's attempt to reconnect with his hostile exwife Marsha Mason is also badly written, though well-acted. Never is Marsha Mason's hostility explained -- she has the kind of rage that comes from things that Eastwood never did, while what she actually accuses him of does not justify such rage.

Worse, Eastwood's decision to transform himself into a sensitive guy takes place before the movie starts, while Mason's decision not to marry the jerk bar-owner she's been sleeping with takes place entirely offscreen while Eastwood is on Grenada.

In other words, all the life-changing character decisions happen where we can't see them, and for reasons we never actually see.

Fortunately, Eastwood later redeemed himself with some war movies that were really worth something. But Heartbreak Ridge was a complete waste of time. My decision in 1986 was right.

Continuing its new role as creator of smart, character-centered TV shows, USA Network just launched a new series, Covert Affairs, that may be the best of the lot.

Yeah, that's right -- maybe better than White Collar; definitely stronger than the most recent season of Burn Notice (which is apparently suffering a bit from creator Matt Nix's attention to his cute new series, The Good Guys, which suffers from being a buddy movie with two unlikable buddies). I trust Nix to get both his series back on track, and I'm still watching Burn Notice because even when it's a little off, it's very good. But Covert Affairs is what Burn Notice was in its first couple of seasons: Quite possibly the best thing on TV.

OK, Lie to Me is as strong as ever, and there are other great shows in the running. But the presence of other good shows doesn't change the fact that Covert Affairs has a pilot, at least, that's off the charts.

Piper Perabo plays a CIA operative-in-training who, because of her language ability (and chart-topping performances in several activities that spies are supposedly trained in) is brought to Langley with a month left in her training, because there's a job that needs her skills.

Her skills include looking like a really expensive hooker, apparently, because that's what the first assignment consists of. When everything goes wrong -- including her own mistakes -- she goes back to rectify the errors. And then realizes things that occur to no one else, and keeps getting herself in trouble as she saves the day.

If her superiors were really as dumb as they're portrayed to be -- and according to Legacy of Ashes, the excellent history of the CIA, they are and always have been -- then we should pray we have somebody as smart and skilled as Perabo's character helping save us from our enemies!

At the same time, the CIA is shown in total violation of the core principle that it is not allowed to carry on activities on American soil -- that's the FBI's territory. So we should really hope it is not doing the things the series shows the Agency doing.

Aw, forget all that. It's great fun. The supporting cast (which includes the never-fully-used talents of Peter Gallagher) is great, especially the implausible but perfectly charming blind guy, played wonderfully by Christopher Gorham. The soap-opera aspects of the plot -- Perabo's sister's attempts to find her a love life; Peter Gallagher's war with his CIA-employed wife, who suspects him of having an affair -- are quite good.

And then there's the mysterious rogue agent that Perabo's character fell in love with the year before and still pines for -- this will provide us with an overarching story that carries on from episode to episode, the way Burn Notice follows Michael Westen's endless search to get himself unburned.

Covert Affairs may weaken quickly -- I've only watched the first episode, and it's possible the writers can't sustain the stories over the long haul (think of Prison Break and Heroes). But for right now, it's worth seeing. And because it's on USA, the season will be short and then they'll run repeats to build up the audience for the next short season.

I'm not yet among the proud company of denture wearers, but I do have retainers. Because my latest round of orthodontia ended (about two years ago) with my mouth unable to close properly without forcing my jaw into an unnatural position (despite my repeated warnings to the orthodontist that this was happening), I have to wear my retainers most of the time, removing them only to eat.

I know, this is more information than you wanted, but I had to make the point that I'm wearing my retainers for more hours a day than most folks wear their dentures. The result is, as you might guess, my retainers build up plaque even faster than my teeth do.

I tried denture cleaners, but I had no convenient place to soak the retainer without leaving a glass on my bathroom counter. And I hate keeping a glass like that, with the retainers on display like a piece of my mouth. I also hate how dirty the glass gets; yet I knew I was too lazy and forgetful to remember to bring a clean one upstairs every day.

So I tried to keep my retainers clean by washing them frequently with a foaming, antibacterial soap. I'm sure this kept them bacteria-free. But it did nothing to prevent plaque build-up. When I went to get my teeth cleaned, the hygienist also cleaned my retainers with ultrasound -- but that's only twice or three times a year. In between, the retainers could get quite disgusting.

Then, in a drugstore in Utah a few weeks ago, I ran across a product by Sea Bond called a "Denture Bath." It's a plastic case designed to hold dentures, but it certainly fits my retainers as well. It has a lid that closes nicely, and an inner piece that works like a colander.

So ... I put the colander (or rack) into the bath, run some warm water into it, drop in the tablet of cleaner, and then plunk in my retainers. I leave them there while I eat, and then when I come to brush my teeth, I lift out the rack, rinse the retainers, put them in my mouth, and then rinse out the denture bath and the rack and leave them to dry. Very simple and my hands never actually get into the cleaning solution.

The result is that my retainers are never on public display. (OK, my wife's the only one who would see them, but why should she have to?)

Here's the best thing. At the same time, I also picked up a package of Polident For Partials. It's designed not to corrode the metal parts, but in truth I have no idea but what it's identical to other Polident products and only has a different name to win the loyalty of niche customers. I'm one in that niche, and here's how it really wins my loyalty: Within a week of starting the use of it, all the plaque built up on my retainers was gone.

Someday I'll probably work up the courage to go to an orthodontist who will actually listen to his patients. I'll do yet a third round of braces, this time to close up the food-catching gaps deliberately left by the latest orthodontist (they were part of his wonderful "plan") and see if the new guy can arrange my teeth so as to let me close my mouth without jamming my chin back with my hand.

If it actually works, I might not have to wear a retainer 23/7 for the rest of my life. But in the meantime, between the convenient Sea Bond Denture Bath and the effective Polident For Partials, I can now look forward to years of retainer-wearing without loathing.

Every Day Is Special

First appeared in print in The Rhinoceros Times, Greensboro, NC.

Thursday, July 29 -- National Chili Dog Day

I've had mine. Have you had yours? When we moved to North Carolina, we thought that having hot dogs meant bringing along mustard and onions -- or catsup and pickle relish. But the first time we had hot dogs the way God meant them to be eaten -- chili and cole slaw -- we were hooked. Of course, it helps when you're having the chili and slaw on Hebrew National franks, the best commercial variety -- though if there's any dairy product in the slaw, I suppose that really isn't how God wanted hot dogs to be eaten ...

Friday, July 30 -- Paperback Day

Paperback books were introduced 75 years ago, in 1935. Although books bound in soft covers were first introduced in 1841 at Leipzig, Germany, by Christian Bernhard Tauchnitz, those were meant to be rebound in leather according to the purchasers' tastes. The modern paperback revolution dates to the publication of the first Penguin paperback by Sir Allen Lane at London, England, in 1935. Penguin Number 1 was Ariel: A Life of Shelley, by Andre Maurois. Its paper cover was intended to be the final state of the book. When paperbacks jumped the pond to America, the books were even cheaper -- so they could be thrown away with little loss if they didn't sell. Paperbacks moved full-length books into a price range that most people could afford; from then on, the ownership of books was no longer a privilege of the well-to-do.

Emily Brontë, the author of Wuthering Heights, was born on this day in 1818.

Saturday, July 31 -- Shadow Day

The crime-and-suspense show The Shadow premiered 80 years ago today on CBS radio. "Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!" Originally, the Shadow was just the narrator of the changing stories, but later he became a character with his own adventures -- with the alter ego of Lamont Cranston. Orson Welles was the first Shadow.

The cornerstone of the Philadelphia Mint, the first building erected by the U.S. government, was laid on this day in 1792.

Sunday, August 1 -- Audiobook Appreciation Month begins

Best way to celebrate Audiobook Appreciation Month is to buy a book on CD from your friendly neighborhood bookstore -- or download books from Audible.com and put them on your MP3 player. Having someone read to you while you exercise or run errands is one of the pleasantest ways to expand your literary horizons while filling up otherwise mentally-empty time.

This is also National Immunization Awareness Month and National Panini Month. Get a sandwich and a shot!

MTV (the cable channel "Music Television") premiered on this day in 1981. Back then, it actually had music videos around the clock instead of wall-to-wall contests and reality shows.

Monday, August 2 -- Psychic Week begins

But then, you already knew it was Psychic Week.

On this day in 1776, the Declaration of Independence was officially signed. No, the 56 signatories did not sign on July 4^th, 1776. Only John Hancock and Charles Thomson signed draft copies of the Declaration on the day it was adopted by Congress. The signing of the final clean copy occurred Aug 2^nd, when probably 50 men signed. Five more seem to have signed separately, and one added his name in a subsequent year.

Tuesday, August 3 -- Voyager Day

Columbus set sail for the New World from Palos, Spain, on this day in 1492. Half an hour before sunrise, his three ships, Niña, Pinta and Santa Maria, with a crew of 90, left on a voyage for "Cathay" (China), but found the Americas instead. Others had stumbled on the Americas before, and others would have afterward -- it took Columbus's relentless promotion of his discovery to bring Europeans to the New World in large numbers. The diseases they brought were devastating to the native Americans, and the Old-World tendency to enslave those they conquered still has repercussions more than 500 years later. But without Columbus, there would have been no America as we know it.

Ernie Pyle, the most beloved war correspondent of all time, was born on this day in 1900. I grew up reading his book Brave Men, which included many of his dispatches from the European Theater of Operations during World War II; it made the experience of American soldiers in combat real to me. His column was syndicated by nearly 200 newspapers and often focused on figures behind the news, and his reports of the bombing of London in 1940 and subsequent reports from Africa, Sicily, Italy and France earned him a Pulitzer Prize in 1944. He was killed by machine-gun fire in the Pacific in April 1945, joining so many of the men he wrote about as part of America's sacrifice for the freedom of the world.

Wednesday, August 4 -- Coast Guard Day

Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, LA, on this day in 1900. People my age think of him as the gravel-voiced singer of "What a Wonderful World" and "Hello, Dolly," but earlier he and Bing Crosby worked together to break the color barrier and make Negro jazz and swing music part of the popular musical vocabulary of America.

Percy Bysshe Shelley was born on this day in 1792. Besides being married to the author of Frankenstein, he was also one of a triumvirate of rock-star-famous romantic poets ("Byron, Keats, and Shelley"). Besides "Ode to the West Wind," "The Cloud," and "To a Skylark," he wrote this poem, "Ozymandias," which remains a model of how to speak poetically to the general public:

I met a traveller from an antique land

Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone

Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,

Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown

And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read

Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,

The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.

And on the pedestal these words appear:

'My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:

Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay

Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,

The lone and level sands stretch far away."