Catalog Living, Wife of the Gods - Uncle Orson Reviews Everything

Some things are so common we don't notice how absurd they are. For instance, catalogs display pictures that are meant to be "homey." But whose home is it, anyway?

Nobody, of course. But what if they did? What would their lives and relationships be like? Actor/writer/comedian Molly Erdman provides us with her answer at a website called Catalog Living (http://catalogliving.net/page/1).

The pictures are all gorgeous -- the way catalog pictures tend to be. Serious money was spent on making these photos lush and deep and full-colored. But what are they shooting?

The entry for 21 September shows two throw pillows shaped and painted like curled-up kittycats. Erdman's caption? "Well, Elaine, if they're just pillows then why do we have a litter box? And, more importantly, who is using it?"

With most of them, however, you have to be looking at the picture as you read the caption. Otherwise it makes no sense. So all I can suggest is that you go to the site and see for yourself! It will change forever the way you look at catalogs forever.

Not every book that looks good enough to buy turns out to be worth reading. For instance, there's a book called Mistakes Were Made, but Not By Me. I won't bother telling you the names of the authors.

The book I bought was supposed to be a semi-scientific examination of the way people rationalize their mistakes -- often clinging to their errors so tenaciously that you'd think admitting a mistake would kill them.

But it opened by naming George W. Bush as the most obvious (and, by implication, worst) example of a politician who made terrible mistakes and then denied them. They then proceeded to offer a list of those mistakes that either:

1. Were genuinely not made by George W. Bush (i.e., he had nothing to do with the "mission accomplished" sign on the carrier after the initial campaign of the Iraq War),

2. Were made because he followed the best available information from the government agencies responsible for informing the President,

3. Or were not mistakes at all, but legitimate policy choices that the authors simply disagree with.

Not one of their list of Bush's "mistakes" remotely resembles the kind of thing the book purported to be about.

Now, it may be that the rest of the book was actually a sober treatment how people, ordinary or famous, cling to mistakes -- for instance, the way Winston Churchill nearly wrecked his own political career by championing the cause of King Edward VIII and Wallis Simpson.

But even then, Churchill was acting out of honor. He genuinely believed that regardless of public response, there should be no problem with the king marrying the woman he loved.

So was he rationalizing a mistake, or being true to himself? I suspect that this dilemma would have faced the authors again and again. How do you decide which lines of thought are "rationalizations" and which are "explanations"?

If they had any kind of useful method for distinguishing the difference, they certainly didn't apply even a shred of it to their analysis of George W. Bush. If they were that careless in the opening paragraphs of their book -- if they were willing to turn their "analysis" into nothing but another political screed directed against the bugbear of the Extreme Left -- then science plays no role in their book, and it is therefore worthless. If I want stupid Leftist propaganda, I can read Al Franken.

When I was younger, I would have read many more pages before erasing the audiobook from my hard drive. But I'm older now, and am keenly aware of how little time I have left in my life. Why should I spend another minute of it on someone else's poo?

The only thing I feel bad about is that by including the title of the book in this commentary (it can hardly be called a review, since I didn't read it), I might inadvertently be helping sell it. You might be in the bookstore, see the title on the shelves, and think, "I read something about that. Uncle Orson mentioned it."

And then you might pick it up and get suckered by the cover copy, as I did, and actually buy it.

So if you remember the title, then please attach the word poo to the end of it in your memory, so that when you pick it up, you'll remember that I warned you of its utter worthlessness, in my considered judgment as an experienced reader of books that turn out to be pure poo.

It might be easy to suppose that Kwei Quartey's detective novel The Wife of the Gods, is merely an attempt to capitalize on the success of Alexander McCall Smith's series of mysteries that began with The Number 1 Ladies' Detective Agency.

But Quartey is no mere opportunist -- he's a writer and storyteller of the first order, and his credentials for writing mysteries set in Africa are actually better than Smith's.

Smith's series is set in Botswana; Quartey's novel is set in Ghana. Both deal with African culture. Both involve the juxtaposition of western values and native African traditions. Both authors are medical men: Smith is an expert on medical law and bioethics, Quartey a practicing physician in a wound care clinic and an urgent care center.

But there are many differences. Quartey, for instance, was actually born in Accra, the capital of Ghana, to a Ghanaian father and African-American mother. (Smith is Scottish.)

Not that Quartey is your typical Ghanaian. Both his parents were professors, and by American law at the time he was considered a U.S. citizen from birth, though he was born in Ghana. And Smith was born in Zimbabwe and lived many years in Botswana, so both writers know the landscapes of Africa, though they lived in social classes far removed from their protagonists'.

When you come to the books, much of Smith's appeal comes from the charming naivete and grim determination of Precious Ramotswe. Much of the humor derives from a slightly condescending attitude -- a sort of wink-and-a-nod between Smith and his European-cultured readers.

Quartey's detective, Darko Dawson, is a trained and educated police detective, and there is no hint of either condescension or amusement in Quartey's treatment of him. Dawson's life has been colored by the disappearance of his mother during his childhood.

In addition, he has a streak of violence he has not learned to control. His devotion to the use of marijuana, despite his wife's detestation of the habit, makes it a bit harder to like him as a character.

While Darko's family life is a vital part of the story, it never feels like the soap opera that, however charmingly it is done, is a major part of the appeal of Precious Ramotswe.

The story of Wife of the Gods is every bit as good and involving a mystery as those of, say, the Los Angeles mysteries of Michael Connelly or the Boston stories of Robert B. Parker.

The problem in reviewing the book is that if I recount or summarize the plot, I'll give you a false impression. The events are centered around the life of a village, and involve many deeply unsophisticated beliefs and practices. It will sound as if the book were some kind of medicinal injection of multiculturalism.

But that is almost the opposite of what Quartey is doing. He simply takes the setting for granted, and while readers certainly learn plenty about village life in Ghana (and city life, too), the book is not about that.

Instead, it's about the moral dilemmas that Darko must deal with, the maneuvering he must engage in to get to the bottom of the mystery, the political games he has to play. He has strong opinions -- he has no patience with beliefs that he thinks of as dangerous or cruel superstitions.

Indeed, by the standards of American university multiculturalism, Darko is far from being "tolerant" enough. He does not think that village folk beliefs are just as legitimate as the learning of western-style universities. He does not consider their medicine to be as "valid" as western medicine. He is not contemptuous of the people who have traditional beliefs, but he makes it clear that Darko cares only about what actually works and what is actually true.

Darko protects no favorites. He sets a standard of ruthless even-handedness that makes him unusual in his culture -- and, for that matter, in ours.

I listened to this book as read by Simon Prebble, one of the best readers working today; I downloaded it from Audible.com. Prebble's performance is nothing short of brilliant.

But you don't need Prebble's voice to make this an excellent book. I could hardly wait to get back to listening to it. Every page was enjoyable; there was nothing I wanted to skim.

On the one hand, I think the work of a good doctor has more social value than the work of any writer. On the other hand, I want more books from Kwei Quartey. How can I weigh my desire for powerful, well-wrought mysteries in the same scale with the need of southern Californians for good emergency medical care?

I'm not a good person. I want his next book, Children of the Street, and the next book after that. So sue me.

Every Day Is Special

First appeared in print in The Rhinoceros Times, Greensboro, NC.

Thursday, Sept. 23 -- Innergize Day

Innergize Day is set aside for anyone who has said, "I don't have time to do the personal things I want to do for myself." Today, take the time to do whatever it is you want to do that can be done in a single day.

This does not mean that you suddenly become a totally selfish person. It simply means that you take a break from the constant demands of routine and do something you've wanted to do for a long time.

For instance, you could throw a glass of cold water on anyone who says the horrible word "innergize." That would certainly make me feel better.

Not really. I'd be consumed with guilt.

The fact is, I'm a deeply lazy and selfish person who often does things I want to do. So I hardly need a day set aside for the purpose. But I know a lot of people who are so dedicated to the service of others that they almost never do something for the sheer joy of it.

This day is for them, not for me. In fact, what I need to do is the opposite: I need to do many of the things my wife normally does, so she has the time (and feels free enough) to do something she loves to do.

Planet Neptune was discovered on this day in 1846 by German astronomer Johann Galle. Neptune, the eighth planet, is 2,796,700,000 miles from the Sun (about 30 times as far from the Sun as Earth). Neptune's year is 164.8 Earth years. It is named for the Roman god of the sea, I suppose because it was his turn.

Friday, Sept. 24 -- Love Note Day

Sometimes words have more impact when they're written down. In earlier generations, the sentence "I love you" was too rarely said; but today, it can be said so commonly that it begins to seem empty -- and not just when it's turned into "love ya."

On the telephone, between husband and wife, "I love you" can become like "anyway" -- something you say in order to signal a desire to end the conversation. "Well, I love you. Bye."

This isn't bad. It's good. But every now and then -- today, for instance! -- why not let your loved one discover a love note from you. Not a purchased greeting card with somebody else's words, but your own words on anything from a 3x5 card or the back of a grocery receipt to a wordless picture card.

If all you write is "I love you," that might be enough. Or you might go on a little bit about why, or how the other person makes you feel, or one of their attributes you admire most.

Make sure you sign the note, however. Don't run the risk that your loved one might think it's from someone else.

This is also Hug a Vegetarian Day. I'm not sure why this day exists. Vegetarians come in two categories: those you know, and total strangers. Among your vegetarian friends, you already hug them exactly as often as is appropriate for your ongoing relationship. In the total stranger category, how will you know who the vegetarians are, unless they make themselves obnoxious by proclaiming it to people who couldn't care less?

Maybe "Hug a Vegetarian Day" is meant to help us overcome the desire to throw a glass of water on the kind of vegetarian who openly criticizes strangers for eating meat products.

In which case, why not just call it, "Hug Somebody Who Makes You Want to Throw a Glass of Water on Them Day"?

National Punctuation Day exists for only one reason: to use spray paint or black felt-tip pens to correct horrible punctuation on signs.

Candidates for correction:

1. Any sign that uses it's (contraction of "it is") when they mean its (possessive that means "belonging to it" or "of it").

2. Ditto with you're used for your; or the absolutely vile her's, which is never correct.

3. Any sign that uses quotation marks for emphasis, as in:

Don't miss this "great" deal!

Those who make this mistake apparently don't realize that for emphasis we use underlining or italics. Quotation marks in such a case imply irony or sarcasm, not emphasis. So the above sign is saying that it's not a great deal at all -- in fact, calling it "great" is a kind of joke!

Saturday, Sept. 25 -- Family Health and Fitness Day

The other day I ran across a gift my youngest daughter gave me for Father's Day back when she was about twelve. It's a series of certificates for services she was willing to perform on demand. Most of the certificates said, "Good for one walk without complaining."

It dated from a time when my wife and I tried to include her in our frequent walks through the neighborhood.

When she was younger, she loved to come along, and she and I would run in short bursts, and sometimes I would carry her, and sometimes we would dance in the street.

Sometimes only she and I walked together, and then she would tell me the plots of favorite episodes of mind-numbingly dull children's TV shows that were her particular delight at the time, and I would listen and enjoy her excitement and delight.

But there came a time when she got sick of it, and if we made her come she would either turn her iPod up so loudly that she couldn't hear any of our boring adult conversation, or drag behind making a great show of how much she was suffering to be forced to take a walk on a hot day.

And finally we gave up.

Then she got older and discovered that being physically fit was actually useful. She began to take walks on her own. She began to select her own workout routines. The other day, when her older sister was in town, I was coming back from my own (solo) walk and passed my two daughters, walking briskly and talking animatedly with each other.

And I realized: Even though we don't always exercise together, we all take fitness seriously and all of us are working on it.

So I can affirm: Even when you run into serious resistance from some of your kids, family health and fitness are a worthy and important goal, and September 25^th is as good a day as any to begin.

Just remember not to overdo it when you start out. A single mile is a long walk for kids with short legs. Thirty crunches can debilitate you for three days if you haven't done crunches in several years. Running full-out on an irregular surface can sprain your ankle if you haven't first built up your muscles through walking.

But if you begin by making it a happy, fun family activity, and don't overtax yourself or others, you can turn fitness into a vital part of your family life.

The first American newspaper was published on this day in 1690. The first (and only) edition of Publik Occurrences Both Foreign and Domestick was published by Benjamin Harris at the Long-Coffee-House in Boston, Massachusetts.

Authorities considered this first newspaper in the US to be offensive, and ordered its immediate suppression.

Fish Amnesty Day. Give them a break by not fishing today. But you can still eat fish, as long as it wasn't actually caught today.

Sunday, Sept. 26 -- Keep Cool Day

There are two reasons this is Keep Cool Day.

First, West Side Story premiered on Broadway on this day in 1957. Composer Leonard Bernstein worked with lyrics by a young kid named Stephen Sondheim, a script by Arthur Laurents, and Jerome Robbins choreographed memorable dances to Bernstein's music -- including the brilliant and unforgettable number "Cool."

Second, this is the fiftieth anniversary of the first televised presidential debate in 1960. Richard Nixon and John F. Kennedy faced off. Kennedy looked perfectly natural on television, but Nixon was visibly uncomfortable -- and sweaty. Those who listened on radio thought Nixon won; those who watched gave the victory to Kennedy. The difference was a matter of who kept cool.

We moved to North Carolina in time for the Senate election in which Governor Jim Hunt vied to replace Jesse Helms. For many excellent reasons we had already decided to vote for Hunt (or pretty much anybody but Helms), and so we were appalled when we watched them debate on television. Helms was avuncular, relaxed, cool. Hunt got angry and it showed.

When it comes to TV debates, whoever gets mad, loses. Whoever looks nervous, loses. To win, you have to keep cool.

This is also the start of National Keep Kids Creative Week. But kids are naturally creative. You don't have to try to keep them creative. You merely have to refrain from beating down their creativity.

I can just imagine teachers giving kids assignments designed to "encourage creativity." Naturally, these assignments will become just one more deadline, one more set of activities that kids would rather not do.

So here's a thought: Why not declare this to be National No-Homework Week. Let kids have a whole week in which, once school is over, they're actually free to be creative!

Monday, Sept. 27 -- Ancestor Appreciation Day

If you happen not to have a shrine to your ancestors in your house at which to leave them offerings on special occasions, you may not know how to show your ancestors how much you appreciate them -- especially the ones who aren't alive anymore.

There is no Hallmark card that says,

I remember all you did

And everything you said.

I have not forgotten you

Just because you're dead.

Everything that's wrong with us

My parents blame on you.

I remind them that one day

They'll be ancestors too.

And even if there were such a card, neither the U.S. Postal Service, UPS, nor Fedex would know how to deliver it.

But what you can do is gather your family and tell stories about your ancestors. And if you don't know any stories, then for heaven's sake go to your eldest relatives armed with a recording device and get them to talk about dead family members that they knew. Believe me, they want to talk about them (or at least some of them!), and the more you listen, the more you'll enjoy it.

Then save the recordings and play them back for the whole family -- or tell the stories in your own words. By keeping the memory of your forebears alive and making them part of your life, you have a better idea of who you are and what it means to be in your family.

The Tonight Show premiered on NBC on this day in 1954. Steve Allen was the original host, and introduced the format of the show, with an opening monologue, games or segments for the studio audience, and then a series of interviews in a simple desk-and-couch setting.

Jack Paar hosted from 1957 to 1962, and then Johnny Carson took over, turning it into the best talk show ever for thirty years, from 1962 to 1992. Carson's monologues were wonderful; he launched the careers of dozens of comedians and singers; he was a generous interviewer who seemed to genuinely like his guests and help them make a good impression; and his sketch comedy was better than anything on Saturday Night Live.

Following Carson, Jay Leno hosted a much inferior show until he was replaced by Conan O'Brien for a few months in 2009. Then Leno came back with a show that was even worse than before. In fact, all the late-night talk shows seem to me to serve no other function than to make me miss Johnny Carson.

Tuesday, Sept. 28 -- United Nations World Maritime Day

A good portion of the world's prosperity depends on goods being safely shipped by sea -- including oil, of course, but also practically every other kind of goods. The health of the global environment also depends ultimately on maintaining the lush, vibrant life under and on the sea.

Oceanic shipping and ecology have never been more threatened than today. Between pirates and polluters, we are teetering on the brink of collapse of significant aspects of both.

Eliminating piracy depends on establishing strong governments in areas where pirates currently find safe havens. Unfortunately, that would require military action and/or nation-building, which are out of fashion among the nations with the power to bring them about.

And don't think that ocean pollution is limited to industrial polluters or oil spills. There is a vast sargasso sea of plastic swirling around the center of the Pacific Ocean, and most of it comes from litter that was discarded on land -- particularly airborne sail-like plastic grocery bags.

Wednesday, Sept. 29 -- Horatio Nelson Day

Horatio Nelson was born on this day in 1758. Few Americans know who he was, but he is considered by many to be the finest -- or at least the most important -- naval commander in British history. And since the British Navy was unquestionably the most important naval force in the history of the world, dominating the seas worldwide, from the sinking of the Spanish Armada until American air power emerged as a serious rival, that might make Nelson the most important naval commander ever.

It comes down to this: He whipped the French fleet at Trafalgar, and died in the process. It's hard to realize it today, but Napoleon was the Hitler of his time, conquering all of Europe; and, as with Hitler, for many years only Britain stood against him. Nelson's victory was crucial in containing Napoleon's limitless ambition.

Veterans of Foreign Wars was established on this day in 1899. This non-government organization has made itself useful in promoting the interests of America's veterans -- and because we have had the great good fortune of fighting all our wars since the Civil War on foreign soil, they seek to achieve fair treatment for all the men and women who have served America in the military, and to keep the memory of our heroes bright.